IVF or not

I feel blessed to have the option of an IVF cycle (my insurance in the state I live in for the next two month will partially cover a cycle).  Financially, at this time in our lives, we are only going to be able to do one cycle.  I realize that this is not the recommended approach to IVF, but it is what it is.  The clinic I am at likes to do all the cycles frozen with the doctor claiming 15% increase compared to fresh for live births.  The RE claims this is true, even for my husband and I who are under 35 yr. old with an unexplained diagnosis.  For all previous IUI’s my lining has been thick and healthy, and I would prefer to do a fresh cycle…..and all this aside, I am not sure if doing IVF is the right decision at this point.  I clearly don’t trust the doctor to do his think, I have been struggling to stay above the water just with the other things in life, and I keep hoping that maybe we will just get pregnant on our own.  I have been off birth control for 4 years, timed trying for the past 3 and fully medicated cycles for almost a year now.

I worry if IVF doesn’t work I will feel less hopeful than ever, but I also worry that if we don’t do it now, it could be a year or more before we are in a position to do IVF again….

Please decision angles come down and guide me…I need some direction!

IVF consult and a song to keep me going

As you may know, I am on IUI cycle #6, and while I am super hopeful that it answers my prayers, I am also moving forward with plans for IVF if this doesn’t work.  Honestly, I don’t really know what I am doing because this doesn’t seem like an ideal time in my life for IVF for so many reasons, but never mind. We went ahead and had our consult with the Dr. on Monday.  He said that they like to do all the cycles from frozen blastocyst so that they can prepare the womb independently from the cycle of harvesting the eggs, but we are moving in 2 months, so if it were to come down to needing IVF, we don’t really have time for the frozen embies…our timeline actually seemed like the most problematic issue.  We also learned that my husbands motility was at 5%….so that is not great either.  Anyway, the coordinator emailed me that she was planning for retrieval on the 18th of April, which happens to be when I am away for a conference.  I tried not to feel pissed at the world, but between that, and texts from my sister of her new beautiful twins babies….I was just not happy.  I distracted myself most of the day but when my Mom called to ask how I was doing I cried and told her how frustrated I was.  She is a firm believer in “your time will come” and “everything happens as it does for a reason” and while this may be true, it is not really salvation for an aching heart.  But our conversation reminded me of what an amazing mother I have, I can’t believe in the beginning of this fertility “journey” I didn’t want to talk to her about it.  We have definitely had some rough times when she didn’t understand, but now she does, and that is such a good feeling.

Last Friday I had my first voice lesson, I do not sound like a song bird….so last week felt like a good time to focus on happy things…..Driving to the teachers office I tried to let sadness fall away from the facetime call I had just had with my sister in the hospital.  She was nursing one of the twins, and her husband was holding the other…By the time I got to the voice lesson I was feeling good, and excited. I entered this voice teachers office to find she is 9 month pregnant, and rubbing her belly as she expounded on pacing and gave examples with her lyrical voice….it was hard to stay for the entire hour!  I won’t be seeing her again as she is going on maternity leave, but driving away I was really in shock of how unlucky I felt…..my hairdresser, my therapist (who I sought out to help with this whole fertility debacle), and the voice teacher not to mention friends and family….anyway this song (luckiest man) played on Pandora.  It is my new anthem….it speaks to me….I realize I can’t run or fight, there are just too many mysterious forces that I will never understand.  I just have to try to keep my mind, and my faith, and know that I am lucky despite how I might feel. You might like it too.

things with me & thank you

https://www.etsy.com/people/caitlihne?ref=owner_image_profile_leftnav

There has been a lot going on, so I am resorting to bullets for this post:

  • IUI #6 is tomorrow, I triggered last night with an 18mm on the right side.
  • Yesterday, 9 years ago, my grandfather was hit and killed in a pedestrian crosswalk.
  • Yesterday, my little sister gave birth to her twins, Avery and Bailer.
  • I am reminded of the cycle of life, I miss my grandfather, I am happy for my sister, and I am just trying to put on a congratulatory face, and not think about not having my own babes.
  • My Mr. and I are both graduating in May, we bought our gowns and hoods….very excited
  • Before the official graduation I have to finish my dissertation, and have been hugely distracted with slow to write.
  • After graduation Mr. and I are moving and we don’t know exactly where.  We are applying for jobs across the west coast, quitting our jobs, packing up our house, and getting on a plane from HNL to SFO.
  • I started going to a community acupuncture clinic, and it has been great.
  • This is our last cycle with IUI, I am really, really hoping and praying that our baby decides this is a good month to make a home in me.

I hope that this finds you doing well where ever you are at in your journey.  I was touched by recent posts about feeling alone and faith.  They reminded me of what am amazing community is tucked away in this corner of the inter-web with all of you who write about the experience of infertility.  You remind me that I am not alone, that shots in the stomach, discomfort with pregnant people and a desire so deep in our heart, is normal.  That there is life after the ttc journey and that it comes in many different forms.  You remind me not to be afraid of the unknown, or the what ifs.  You remind me of how strong a woman can be, and that I can be strong too.  I carry your stories with me, and know that wherever I go, and no matter how utterly alone I feel, you are out there -going through the same things with grace and love, with compassion and deafening defeats, with sadness and also happy endings. Thank you for being there.

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It begins again

I wish I had happy news, I feel like lately I have been painted blue, especially on this blog.  Luckily, I am not as sad as I was last CD1, but still, I really really really wish I was getting to wake up from the fog of infertility.  It was a tough weekend, my cousin had her twin boys, so the family was flushed with happiness about the new arrivals.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the day I found out she was pregnant, I was so upset (I think even more so because I was on hormones at the time), and just devastated that it wasn’t me…..and that was almost 9 months ago now.  To me, her babies are a reminder of how long I have been unhappy, and how long things have been difficult, how long my future has been on pause.  I am ready for a vacation from my life, I am thinking Bhutan, or maybe Nepal.  In the meantime, here are some things that make me happy right here and now, no airplane ride to a distant land required.

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loving fridge art

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pau hana beer

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my lazy cat

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patterns in nature

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the beach with my husband

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kaleidoscopes

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pretty linens, even if they are wrinkled

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home-made meals

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my dogs

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my dogs

the dots don’t connect today, maybe tomorrow

Today my sister found out she is having a girl.  I am happy for her, with her husband and son, it will be really nice to have some more sweet female energy in the house, and it is what she wanted.  As happy I am for her, it’s a hard reminder, I feel sad, my heart just hurts.  Rather than drone on about how much I am missing something that does not yet exist, here is a comforting modern love.  It reminded me that even in moments of despair, and sadness, one should try to remember that looking back, the landscape of loss might not look so barren.  And thank goodness for it’s happy ending:)

IUI #5

On Friday (cd12) I went in for a scan, I had 3 follicles between 10-14mm.  Again, looks like they are some slow growers, but growing none the less, so that is great.  Last cycle we had done the trigger on cd14 and IUI on cd15.  This cycle we held off and did another scan, on cd15 and saw 2 follicles, one on each side, 17mm and 18mm.  Ideally we would have triggered the night of cd14and done the IUI on Wednesday morning, but because the clinic had no appointments Wednesday, we triggered Monday at 9:30 am and are doing the IUI today at 3:30.  I am feeling really good about this cycle, full of hope, like the best is yet to come.